“We should probably head to clabu now, smoothie on my bill.” I said, parting Gracie on the shoulders. The air was so tensed as we walked out. Deep inside me, something was happy about how the day turned out, but I couldn’t tell what. Gracie and carol walked in front of me as I steadily followed behind. I would occasionally through a glance at Gracie, and I couldn’t help seeing how dejected and lonely she looked. And sometimes, there was a hungry look in my eyes that went to my heart.
However, I was sure of one thing. And that was, hearts, like flowers, cannot be rudely handled, but must open naturally. Once in clabu, I bought them each a smocha and smoothie and took them to stage. As they boarded matatu back to their room, out of nowhere, it suddenly started to rain. It caught me off guard, and seeing the world that had been sunny and warm suddenly transformed by a sudden thunderstorm was jarring, a reminder of how quickly things can change. Aah, mvua ya Nairobi.
That evening, Gracie stared blankly at the wall as she replayed what had happened the whole day. Tears had dried on her cheeks, leaving a salty residue that reminded her of the bitterness in her heart. She wanted to shut herself up in the bedroom, put on her scribbling suit, and fall into a vortex as she expresses it, filling her journal with her heart and mind till she was finished so that she could find peace. However, she didn’t have the courage to.
She wondered what was so wrong with her that kanga had to betray her. She thought of the many possible explanations kanga had for such but just couldn’t find any. She wanted to cry, but she had already cried out all tears she had. However, there was something she couldn’t shake off her mind. Why would joe, kangas friend stand by me yet they always say its bros before hoes? She wanted to make sense of it but just couldn’t. Was it because she cared about me? Or he was just saying it for the sake? Maybe I should just text him and find out.
Carol, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep either. At first, she wanted to go to Gracie’s room and comfort her, but she knew her temper well and therefore restrained from the urge. However, she couldn’t shake the feeling that everything wasn’t as simple as it had been earlier. She knew that sometimes she had quick temper, a sharp tongue and a restless spirit that were always getting her into scrapes. Despite the perfect life she seemed to lead, her personality had had made her life a series of ups and downs, which were both comic and pathetic.
She started questioning her behaviour. Was her earlier reprimand fuelled by genuine friendship and sisterhood, or a prickle of jealousy at the way he had looked at Gracie. They had now known each other for only three months, and she wondered whether she might have a crush on him. She had been lonely, and sometimes she didn’t dare say it was good for her. She didn’t entirely understand how one got a boyfriend. It just seemed like the most impossible odds. One had to have a crush on the exact right person at the exact right moment. And they had to like you back, a perfect alignment of feelings. It was almost unfathomable that it happened as often as it did.
Though she always wanted to feel what it was like to have a crush that could conceivably maybe one day turn into a boyfriend, she couldn’t help but wonder whether she really had a crush on him.
On the other had, if I was asked to describe how my day had been, a suspense movie would have been the best description. Unlike other Saturday evenings where I could watch an episode or two as a played Efootball with my friends, today I found solace in none. I had always thought that meeting someone for the first time was the hardest thing, but then I realized its not. Its the second time, because you have already used up all the obvious topics of conversation. Even if you haven’t, its strange and heavy-handed to introduce a random conversational topic into the game, especially with someone you liked.
You would want to play it cool, show that you care or that you wanted to know more about her but freely. You would debate between asking “how many siblings do you have?” and “tell me more about yourself.” Don’t laugh, I know its awkward but that was just how life was. However, none of that had been part of my day. Yes, it was kinda awkward when Carol first came in with Gracie, then Gracie left us together for a moment before suddenly coming back heartbroken. I couldn’t complain though, anyway I hadn’t expected seeing carol today so I just took the win.
Just then, my phone chimed. “Hi Joe,” a new number texted. “Hi...” I replied. I wanted to ask who it was, but then on zooming the DP, it was Gracie. My heart skipped a beat. Could this day have been any more interesting? Out of the many uncertain things I expected today, her message was the least.
“Hope you got home safe.” I texted before she could say anything else. Of all things, i wanted this conversation to be as less weird as it could be. Just then, her reply made it even more weird.
“I don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. I don’t even know what I need right now. I just want to feel normal.” I stared at the text for around a minute wondering what to reply. I had read somewhere that when you spend so much time just intensely wanting something and you actually get it, its magic. All of a sudden, you feel like crying. In a good way. In the best way. I mean yes, though I didn’t know her that well or that long, I had developed a crush on her. Whether it was just infatuation, pity or genuine, it was still a crush.
And don’t get me wrong, I still liked carol. But how could I ever expect that my crush on her will ever be reciprocated? Like how does that even be someone’s default assumption? I dint know what Gracie meant in her text, but I wished that underneath it was all butterflies and haziness and heart eyes. I couldn’t really believe this was me. I couldn’t quite articulate the sweetness of the thought of finding out that the door I had been banging on was finally unlocked. Maybe it had been unlocked all the time.
Not wanting to get my hopes that high, I replied. “What do you mean by that?”
“I just don’t get it. He is your friend, maybe you can tell me why he did it. Was it just to show me that I didn’t mean anything to him?’ she asked in such a way that I could read how weak she was as she typed that text.
“Don’t say it that way. I know you are beautiful. And if were living in a fairly tale, you could have been snow white.” I replied hesitantly. “You mean I could be walking around with the dwarfs?’ she asked teasingly.
“No, don’t get me wrong. That aside, I just mean that I don’t know why. I’m sure he didn’t even expect seeing you today and probably he said what he said out of confusion.” I said.
“You are now on his side?” she asked with a crying emoji at the end of the message. I hadn’t expected it and this softened my heart instantly. “There is no way I’m taking his side.” I replied hurriedly as I tried to explain. “He is such a jackass for betraying a soul as pretty and innocent as you.” I was sure that would maker her blush. However, I didn’t want to seem too obvious so I added, “Maybe you can take some time to calm down then talk to him. Even if you don’t ever forgive him, maybe you’ll know why he did it and that will give you peace.”
Although i really didn’t want them to get back together, kanga was my friend after all and I had to say what I had just said. “You are such a sweetheart Joe, thanks for the advice. I’ll think about it.” Gracie replied and before I could say anything, she added “goodnight” with a smiley emoji. “What have just happened?” I wondered as I typed goodnight back and threw the phone on the table.
Over the next few days, i was so caught up in studying for pathology and pharmacology exams that I barely noticed it was already on a Friday. Since that Saturday evening, I had chatted with Gracie more than I cared to admit to an extend of being worried about Carol. Yes, we didn’t talk of anything in particular with Gracie but we talked of everything in general. She couldn’t stop saying “Thanks sweetie for your time” at the end of every conversation, though sometimes I felt she meant what penny meant when she called Sheldon the same in big bang theory.
Carol, seeming to sense the shift, had retreated with our interactions dwindling with each passing day as insecurities gnawed at her. She would constantly think of her grandmother meemaw’s words, who would often say that the best thing she ever wanted for her was to be chosen by a good man. Though she knew that she had plenty of time to find good men, she couldn’t get joe off her mind. She sincerely wanted to have this beautiful experience her Meemaw always talked about, and it was natural of her to think about it.
Every time she thought of him, she would feel this awfulness that comes when a guy thinks you like him. She would feel as if he’s fully clothed and she is naked Infront of him. She would feel like her heart suddenly lived outside her body, and whenever he wanted, he could reach out and squeeze it. This made her even make less contact with him though it deeply hurt her.
One week later, Friday evening.
Carol was sitting on the bed playing candy crush. Grace was lying on the bed, thinking of how it felt to lose kanga. It was slow and painful and confusing. It made her wonder whether she ever really had him at all. But to her, there was an upside to this, and that was, she could forgive him, move on and maybe, just maybe, move on with Joe. She knew she would be rebounding but what harm would replacing him with his friend do? Maybe, this would be the perfect revenge. Thinking of this, she suddenly smiled and sat down.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Gracie said, looking at Carol shyly. “Here's the thing: I'm used to being told I have a pretty face. Or pretty hair, or pretty eyes. But it's different, being called beautiful. Just beautiful, without conditions. When he said that, suddenly, I felt like crying, but not in a bad way. More like in the way you feel when someone gives you a perfect present—something you’d been wanting, but thought you couldn’t ask for. It was that feeling of someone knowing you in all the ways you needed to be known... "
"But you said you didn’t want to waste your time on people who aren’t going to matter." Carol complained."
“But how do you know they’re not going to matter? Unless you give it a shot?" Gracie asked her silently, then looked out at through the window. She had now realized that there was nowhere to go, nowhere left to run. And she just had to stay here, facing this terrible truth. She felt, as more tears fell, just how tired she had been, a tiredness that had nothing to do with the hour. She had been tired of trying to run away from this, tired of not admitting that she liked him. Tired of not talking about it, tired of pretending things were okay with them being just friends when they had never.
Carol tried to shut out the feelings that were hurting her heart like a thousand tiny pinpricks, which was somehow worse than having it all broken at once. She had spent so much time wanting a boyfriend that she couldn’t imagine not having one. She couldn’t imagine not saying that she liked him too. She couldn’t imagine the boy she had always wanted ending up with her roommate.
"Except, if I'm totally honest, I do believe that he likes me too." Carol said awkwardly. " And I like that he likes me because I feel the same way too. But I'm not used to this game. He subconsciously makes me happy. It's like a totally new way of seeing myself. Like I'm some hazily lit dream girl from a movie. I've never been that girl before..."
Clabu- a place we normally go for food.
Smocha- chapati and smokie
Link to final part