Saying this, carol stopped for a minute, surprised by her confession. She looked at her roommate with red eyes and sobbed. Then suddenly, anger filled her eyes. “Seriously Gracie?” she asked in disbelief. “you’re telling me you’re into my crush? After all that stuff with Kanga? If you’re ready to cross rivers and burn bridges this fast, maybe you deserved what he did to you. But wait, you haven’t even talked to him to find out why, right? Carol mocked.
“Your crush? Really? You barely even talk to him for the past two weeks.” Gracie retorted, then softened for a moment, winced at Carol and said, “Roomie, I know it sounds crazy. But after everything...talking to him...it just happened too fast.”
She then crossed her arms then with sharp eyes added, “Yeah, well, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been ignoring him. he even always asked me what’s wrong with you.”
“Don’t...” Carol huffed, unable to finish her statement as a faint blush creeped her cheeks. “Well, maybe its true but he is still my crush.”
“Then why didn’t you ever tell him? or just give a signal?” Gracie asked with a voice laced with anger.
Carol then blinked with a slow hint of realization then said, “Oh, right. Well, I just...didn’t know how to act around him after his friend did... I felt like I would be betraying you.”
“Ooh really? Gracie said with a soft voice, then patted Carol on the shoulder. “I really didn’t know aki.” She sighed, then walked towards the door, looked at Carol apologetically and said, “Well, I still like him and I think I’m going to give it a shot. The other day, kissing him felt so familiar but also knew, like a song that hasn’t been played on the radio in a really long time.”
“What? You kissed him?” carol asked in rage as she swiftly jumped out of the bed towards the door. But before she could reach it, Gracie had already dashed out. She stood there sobbing. She finally understood what love was. Her hands were shaking. She started feeling light-headed and slightly overheated. Then anger surged. Then sorrow took over. She felt broken. She dropped to her knees, put her hands over her face and sobbed.
She finally understood how love made people give up everything. The kind of love that made someone change religion or go vegan or move to the other side of the world to be with the person they loved. If someone had told her that a few minutes ago, she would have called them crazy.
Standing outside the gate, Gracie wondered what she had just done. Carol had been her roommate and friend for almost two years now. She felt so stupid for having to fight with her over someone she had just met two or so months ago. However, he was really cute, sweet and he seemed to like her. Suddenly, she became so furious at kanga. She had so much anger in her that the thought of him made her sick. Having nowhere to vent her anger, she decided to go to his place, pour it all out then call Joe over for shots maybe.
The same Friday evening.
I just arrived in my room, having just completed pathology essays which if I were to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was even going to get a pass. It had been the longest three hours of the week and having taught the lectures new concepts in my answers, I just wanted something to make me forget about it all. First, Carol came to my mind. Maybe we could go to Number Seven and have cocktails like we had last time, but the fact that we hadn’t been so close that week made me brush off the idea.
Then there was Gracie. Maybe this would give us a chance to be carefree with each other. I couldn’t help but remember how kanga would describe the days they partied together. He would say that she rarely went out with anyone even himself, but when she did, she was the best you could ever wish for. To be honest, most of the fondness I had grown of her over the past few weeks was just infatuation, but I still had to give it a chance because who knows. In Alaine’s words, “If I take one step to you and you step to me, who knows maybe, this could be amazing.”
Putting on what I referred to my Friday best, a blue rugged jeans, a white t-shirt and a black jacket with white stripes, I looked at myself in the mirror with a hint of satisfaction before applying my favourite cologne, putting on my sneakers and walking out. I planned to pass by Kanga’s place, tell him of my decision to pursue the girl she had just betrayed then give Gracie a call. I was humming my favourite reggae jam as I headed to his place. “Nice to nice know you lets do it again, as we did it on a one night stand, girl I wanna be more than a friend to you...”
After a few minutes drive, Gracie finally arrived at Kanga’s apartment and slowly walked to his door. After silently standing there for about five minutes, she finally knocked the door. Three minutes later after repeated knocking, he finally opened the door. He pulled the door open and walked back inside without looking at her or saying a word. She followed him in, and he dropped into the sofa without even welcoming her in.
His face was scruffy. She had never seen him anything but with a nicely trimmed hair for the past year and half they had been together, not even in pictures. He had bags in his eyes, like he aged ten years in three weeks. The apartment was a mess. Socks were on the floor. Laundry was piled up in a basket so full it spiled up on the floor. Dirty utensils littered the kitchen countertops, with a cup of ice cold tea and a couple of flies on the table. Next to the sofa was empty alcohol bottles. His bed, which could be seen through the half open bedroom door, was unmade. The place smelled stagnant and dank.
Her furious rage dissipated immediately as the frown on her face was gradually replaced by a worried look. However how mad at him he was, this was the first time she had seen him in such a mess. He wasn’t okay. “Hey,’ she said, standing in front of him.
He didn’t look at her. She just stared at him. He raised his eyes to meet the tender soft look on her eyes, shook his head then looked away from her. “So what do you want? You just came to tell me how much of a jerk I am? Because I already know and I don’t want you nagging me.” He asked in a voice so timid he sounded like he was almost going to cry.
“Come on, tell me what’s up,” she whispered.
“Don’t look at me pitifully like that.” He started as he slowly stood up to face her. “You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you didn’t own him? so go on with your life Gracie. Just move on. You were an awesome girl and I fucked up, now see what a mess I am.” He paused, looked down the floor then continued. “could you really love somebody who was absolutely no body without you? You really want somebody like that? He asked rhetorically as he pointed to himself.
“Somebody who falls apart when he loses you and becomes such a mess? You don’t, do you?” he said, then went back to sit on the sofa. Gracie couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to climb into his lap. She wanted to tell him that she had forgiven him, that she still loved him and that she wouldn’t leave him again. She wanted to clean his apartment like she had occasionally did over the course of their relationship. Despite all that urge, she still slightly refrained herself, stared at him and said, “No, I’m not leaving. You need to first tell me why you did it.”
“What reason can I possibly give you that will make you stay? I was just...I don’t even know. I’m such a terrible person I don’t even deserve you.” He sobbed, then stood up, looked at her and said, “Just go, I wish I could tell you that I really want to have you back, that I still love you and I’m willing to do anything to make you come back to me but you wont believe it so what’s the point?”
Gracie almost cried hearing this. Deep down, she was still a little girl with a big gentle heart. She hated herself for the guilt she was feeling right now, yet she was the victim. There was this charm about him she couldn’t tell. Instantly, her whole world sank and there was only Kanga.
She closed her eyes for a few minutes as if she was contemplating what she was about to do next, then hugged him and muttered “I love you” so quiet like it was a prayer she was whispering. I had arrived at Kanga’s door just in time to see this. I couldn’t believe it. I was astonished.
“Hmm” Kanga said without lifting his face as if he had misheard her.
“I love you.” She said it again, clearer this time, right into his ear, her breath ticking. She was very still, but he could feel her entire body tensing. “I love you too, and I’m sorry.” He replied.
“Now go get a shower and com your hair or anything.” She said softly but firmly over his shoulder her eyes filled with tears. “Whatever you do, just get your shit together and come back here because I’m not leaving.” She said as she turned and went to the kitchen, grabbed a trash bag under the sink and started tossing the beer bottles and other rubbish.
I couldn’t believe it. It was so real yet so unreal. She was home. It was hard to see how much affection she had for him. This was the second time I had seen her cry and both times had been over him. the jealousy was almost more than I could handle. Gracie was mine. She should have been mine, not his. Why couldn’t she jus stay away from him? why couldn’t she just get over him? but then, I realized the truth. She wasn’t mine-she never was.
“Girls are so queer you never know what they mean!” I mumbled to myself as I walked to Carol’s apartment. “They say no when they mean yes and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.” I cursed.
It was 8 in the evening. I was so bored to take a matatu that I ordered uber. It didn’t even startle me that my usual 30% off discount wasn’t there today. I just sat there, watching the headlights of the cars going the opposite direction. I just wondered what had me stoop so low yet Carol had been here the whole time.
Once at her door, I stood there for about ten minutes. I could hear her whimper, though I didn’t have a clue of what was wrong. I tried to compose myself, gather my courage but I just couldn’t. There was just something terrifying about admitting you like someone. In a way, it is actually easier when there’s no chance of anything happening. But there’s this threshold where things suddenly become possible. And then your cards are on the table. And there you are, wanting, right out in the open, and that was the threshold right then.
Gathering all my strength, I knocked the door. But there was no answer. I knocked again. And again.
“Go away Gracie.” Came a soft voice filled with tears.
“Its Joe.” I replied.
‘Oh, come on in.” She said then I pushed the door open. She was sitting on the floor, her chest soaked in tears. She looked like she hadn’t put any effort to wipe them. I wanted to ask her what was wrong. I wanted to tell her that whatever was wrong was gonna be okay, for we would figure it out together. I wanted to tell her to stop crying, but from what I had learned over time, if someone says I'm sad, and you ask them what's wrong, or tell them not to cry, it's like their body hears: NOW CRY. Like a command, even if they are not actually sad.
I watched her as my heart break into tiny pieces. All the feelings I had suppressed against her resurfaced coupled with the scene I had just seen at Kanga’s place. I stretched up my arms, held her by the fingers and helped her stand and walked her to the couch. I then sat next to her, pulled her so close that I could hear her heart beat as she struggled to breath. Then, she leaned on my shoulder as I wrapped my arm around her. We stayed silent for almost half an hour before she finally stopped crying. Sure enough, unexpressed longing was a skill I didn’t know she was good at.
“Carol...” I started, looking into her eyes. “I've loved you ever since I've known you. I know you might say this is abrupt and that we haven’t had time to consider it, but you've been so good to me, - I've tried to show it, I probably suck at it, but you wouldn't let me; now I'm going to make you hear. You don’t have to give an answer right away...’
She opened her mouth, then shut it again.
Oh God.
she did love me. She had loved me since we met, when she and Gracie began keeping a list of the places they spotted me. She loved the honest soul I kept hidden safe under all my bravado, and loved how she was still, every day, learning about me. She loved my silly, secret goofy side. When she thought of how the thought of losing me to her roommate made her feel, she opened up her mouth to say so, but nothing came out.
Though this wasn’t an easy, and she knew that once she said it she could never get it back, she still gathered her strength and said...
“You know why I always looked like a slob around you? Because I liked you.”
I pulled my face back a little and my eyes went wide.
“Yeah. I felt guilty that I liked you so much.’ she continued. “So I always tried to look avoid you so you wouldn’t know.”
I beamed down on her. “Wow,” I said, looking reflective. “You really liked me. And you know what, you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever met.”
she launched into giggles and I laughed with her, putting her forehead to mine. I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing her in, feeling her breath on my face. I wanted to hold this moment in suspended animation. These tender stolen seconds. Her forehead pressed to mine, her warm hand over mine, her heart beating against my palm, slowly turning me on. She was indeed beautiful, and everything I had wanted in a lady.
The end
Dedicated to
Faith, who I'm sure won't even read this post.
The G, who made sure I saw this to completion.
Kendagor Jr,
Purplehearts.
And to you, who is reading this post.
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