Seated on the table across, I watched her with admiration. Some would say it was obsession but no; an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind; excessive, especially extremely? That wasn’t it. It was wonder mingled with approbation or delight; an emotion excited by her, possessed of wonderful excellence; as if she was a beautiful beautiful landscape.
I had fallen in love with her headphones. Small round with red cylindrical line and gold-shining center, a thin upper part curving up her head and disappearing into her hair. Her hair…thick, glossy, slightly wavy dark. pulled back into a high ponytail and flowing down past her shoulders down her back. The way the sunlight came through the window, just a tiny flash for a moment, made it look like it was on fire.
Her hair was dark normally, but in the sun, like this? It looked like somebody wove each strand from molten rock. She wasn’t looking, thank God for the preoccupation in the microbiology class- if she was looking she would have noticed I was staring at her. I didn’t mean to stare at her—I never did—but she was so beautiful I just couldn’t help it. She didn’t have to put in much effort to catch my attention; but I would also blame my poor network which kept logging me out of class, and I had to confirm if she was still in nit. Actually, her hair was usually a mess, probably because she had more hair than she knew what to do with. Sometimes she blamed her stylist for not pulling out as expected.
Today she’d pulled half of it back into a bun, just to get it out of her face…that’s a lie, but there were locks falling into her eyes, and she kept tucking them behind her ears to get them out of her way, or I imagined they were because I had had to stop myself from thinking about tucking those locks of hair behind her ears for her. “Joining meeting timeout or browser restriction” were the wording on my computer screen that brought my attention back to the ongoing class.
The following day.
Why did it always have to be this particular lesson? I wondered as I disappointedly looked blankly at my screen. A little window view wouldn’t do me bad so I flicked my eyes as internet reconnected.
She had development this habit of easily drawing my attention even over a glimpse. The weather was cold and vision blurry. The tranquility of the environment almost made me able to read her thoughts. “Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me?” I could almost hear her ask herself. “His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that.” She would silently think or maybe I was just hallucinogenic.
Suddenly she had a wild thrill such as she had never known; joy, fear, madness, excitement, surrender to arms that were too strong, lips too bruising, fate that moved too fast… I could see her fidget as I tautly, almost with a wicked smile fixed my gaze on her bosom. She was almost embarrassed as if she had followed the look of my eyes. That made me happy, for once. I wanted to be a shadowy presence in her back and ask, “immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things,” then with a soft voice whisper near her ear, “Do you feel that you have immense power?”
“I think you still can read my smiles,” she would answer. “The way my lips stretch, making my eyes look smaller than they already are. The way my cheeks turn a little red, forming new wrinkles near my eyes. The way the dimple on my face makes a visit whenever I smile like I’m meeting someone I haven’t seen in ages. I know teasing me makes you happy but control freak, you caught me. I’m not in control anymore”, she would faintly whisper.
Funny, right? Complete strangers’ miles apart. I remember asking someone to describe me in two words and guess their response, that I embraced darkness. But that wasn’t true. Squinted, I slowly withdrew my gaze which left her Wondering how I could see through her when I never look her way? How did I breathe freely when she had been holding hers all day? She was sitting in confinement in the far edge of the line, looking at the lines that we keep drawing out. Slowly they would all wither, and it becomes just her and I, but I always slowly came to hither. That always haunted her.
She had always thought this would be a phase, but she had caught feelings she couldn’t shake. Side to side when she walked away, lunch times on her way for a drink, she would steal a glimpse at my side. She knew she should’ve stayed away right from the start, but then she got up and took it too far. I was sorry it was all fun and games I was after but I had to tell her to curl your beliefs, try not to lose it tryna please the devil. Though I was lost in ecstasy, I didn’t wanna rob the cradle…
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